FILM
Dr.No (1962)

JOB DESCRIPTION
‘Toppling’ American missiles

EMPLOYER
SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counterintelligence Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Metal hands

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond) “I thought there might even be a place for you with SPECTRE.” “Unfortunately I misjudged you, you are just a stupid policeman….whose luck has run out!”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by drowning him in a ventilation shaft and beating nine bails out of him with metal hands. Ouch! Look, No hands!

MEETS HIS MAKER
when he’s stewed in his own overheated nuclear reactor cooling pool at gas mark 10 by 007.

MENACE RATING:
10 out 10

FILM
From Russia With Love (1963)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Hotting up the Cold War in Istanbul

EMPLOYER
SPECTRE (this crime cartel must offer a better pension scheme than her previous employers – SMERSH)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Boy is she ugly!

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to SPECTRE lieutenant after thumping psycho trainee Donald ‘Red’ Grant in the solar plexus with a knuckle duster) “He seems fit enough!”

TRIES TO KILL 007
with the deadliest poison tipped winkle pickers you’ve ever seen!

MEETS HER MAKER
when Russian cypher clerk Tatiana Romanova shoots her to save 007.

MENACE RATING
10 out of 10

FILM
Goldfinger (1964)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Gold groupie

EMPLOYER
Self

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Rotund carrot-haired teuton – need we say more!

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
“Forgive me Mr. Bond but I must arrange to separate my gold from the late Mr. Solo.” (who has just been pulverised inside a Cadillac in a car crusher)

TRIES TO KILL 007
by having him vaporised by a cobalt and iodine nuclear bomb inside the gold depository at Fort Knox.

MEETS HIS MAKER
when he is sucked out of the porthole of the US Presidential jet carrying 007, which has depressurised after a bullet from Goldfinger’s golden gun has shattered a cabin window.

MENACE RATING
10 out of 10

FILM
Thunderball (1965)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Atom bomb collector

EMPLOYER
SPECTRE

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Wears a black patch over his left eye.

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
“You’ve given me much pleasure Domino, but in return unless you tell me how much Bond knows I’ll be forced to cause you pain. This for heat (his cigar), these for cold (ice cubes), applied scientifically and slowly, very, very, slowly.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by shooting him when the poor lad’s down.

MEETS HIS MAKER
when his ex-mistress Domino fires a speargun into his back – ouch!

MENACE RATING
8 out of 10

FILM
You Only Live Twice (1967)

JOB DESCRIPTION
World War III broker

EMPLOYER
Self (this is the malfeasant MD of SPECTRE himself!)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
A bald pate complemented nicely by a dirty great scar down his right eye, giving him the appearance of an egg that has cracked on the boil!

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(after a captive 007 has asked for his cigarettes) “It wont be the nicotine that kills you Mister Bond!”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by shooting him

MEETS HIS MAKER
Jimbo slips up in this movie, and Ernst lives to menace the world again

MENACE RATING
5 out of 10

FILM
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Bacteriological warfare scientist (Count in his spare time)

EMPLOYER
Self (still the head of SPECTRE)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
A bald pate and no ear lobes

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond explaining his latest threat) “Total infertility in plants and animals, not just disease in a few herds Mr Bond or the loss of a single crop, but the destruction of a whole strain – forever throughout an entire continent. If my demands are not met I shall proceed with the systematic extinction of whole species of serials and livestock all over the world.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by burying him forever (fat chance) in an avalanche with his bride-to-be Tracy.

MEETS HIS MAKER
Our Jimbo slips up yet again, leaving all that we hold precious at the potential mercy of the man with the cat.

MENACE RATING
8 of 10

FILM
Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Diamonte laser satellite wielder

EMPLOYER
Self (Still MD of SPECTRE – if not a little more camp than usual!)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
None

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
“Tiffany my dear, we’re showing a bit more cheek than usual aren’t we?” “Such nice cheeks too – if only they were brains.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by having him gassed in an elevator and buried alive in a pipeline being constructed in the Nevada desert.

MEETS HIS MAKER
Another sloppy job by 007. Is Blofeld dead or alive?

MENACE RATING
4 out of 10

FILM
Live And Let Die (1973)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Drug Baron

EMPLOYER
Self

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Bad case of rubber prosthetics

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
“Tee Hee, on the first wrong answer, from Miss Solitaire, you will snip the little finger of Mr Bond’s right hand. Starting with the the second wrong answer, you will proceed to more vital areas.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
with sharks and knife

MEETS HIS MAKER
when he explodes after a Co2 bullet he is forced to swallow by 007 over inflates his body.

MENACE RATING
5 out of 10

FILM
The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Million-dollar hitman

EMPLOYER
Freelance (sometime employer, the Red Chinese)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
A third nipple

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond) “You work for peanuts, a hearty ‘well done’ from her majesty the Queen and a pittance of a pension – apart from that we are the same. To us Mr Bond – we are the best!”

TRIES TO KILL 007
with his golden gun of course!

MEETS HIS MAKER
when 007 outwits, and shoots him inside his own target ‘fun-house’.

MENACE RATING
7 out of 10

FILM
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977

JOB DESCRIPTION
Aquatic megalomaniac

EMPLOYER
Self

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Webbed hands

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
“Cancel transfer of $20 million dollars. Inform next of kin that a tragic ‘accident’ has resulted in the deaths of Professor Markovitz and Dr Bechmann. The funeral was at sea.” (when he explodes the helicopter that is carrying the two scientists)

TRIES TO KILL 007
with an explosive harpoon that runs in a tube underneath the length of his dinner table.

MEETS HIS MAKER
when 007 empties his Walther PPK into the tube under Stromberg’s dinning table into fishfinger’s groin – ouch!

MENACE RATING
2 out of 10

FILM
Moonraker (1979)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Celestial megalomaniac

EMPLOYER
Self

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
None

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond) “You have arrived at a propitious moment, coincident with your country’s one indisputable contribution to Western civilisation – afternoon tea. May I press you to a cucumber sandwich?”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by having his brains squwished in an astronauts’ training centrifuge.

MEETS HIS MAKER
when 007 shoots him with a poison dart, and for good measure ejects him into the vacuum of space.

MENACE RATING
2 out of 10

FILM
For Your Eyes Only (1981)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Nazi double-agent during World War II, drug smuggler, part-time KGB operator – and all round nasty piece of work!

EMPLOYER
Self

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
None

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond and Melina) “Bind that wound, we don’t want any blood in the water – not yet! You have shot your last bolt Miss Havelock. Leave the legs free, they’ll make appetising bait.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by having him and Melina ‘keelhauled’ over the coral beds, making them appetising bait for the sharks.

MEETS HIS MAKER
when Bond’s ally, Columbo, throws a knife into his back.

MENACE RATING
5 out of 10

FILM
Octopussy (1983)

JOB DESCRIPTION
International smuggler

EMPLOYER
Octopussy (before taking over the whole operation)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
None

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond) “You have a nasty habit of surviving.” “Octopussy, I would enjoy another opportunity to take care of Mr Bond personally.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by having his henchman Gobinda throw Bond off the roof of their aircraft while in flight.

MEETS HIS MAKER
when the aircraft he is piloting crashes into a mountain face.

MENACE RATING
2 out of 10

FILM
A View To A Kill (1985)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Silicon chip megalomaniac

EMPLOYER
Self (late of the KGB)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Looks scarily like Christopher Walken

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond) “Alive and well I see – and still bungling in the dark!”

TRIES TO KILL 007
with an axe on top of the San Francisco Golden Gate bridge. Bad career move!

MEETS HIS MAKER
when he loses his grip fighting with Bond atop the Golden Gate bridge and plummets to his death.

MENACE RATING
7 out of 10

FILM
The Living Daylights (1987)

JOB DESCRIPTION
KGB Colonel

EMPLOYER
KGB (although attempting to become a freelance first-class rotter!)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
None

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond) “I’m sorry James, for you I have great affection, but we’ve an old saying – ‘duty has no sweethearts’.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by having just about everybody else do it (not only is he a rotter – but a coward too!)

MEETS HIS MAKER
Matter for debate. Depends entirely on the size of General Pushkin’s ‘Diplomatic Bag’!

MENACE RATING
5 out 10

FILM
Licence To Kill (1989)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Drug Baron

EMPLOYER
Self

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
None

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to DEA agent Felix Leiter as he’s dangled as shark bait) “It’s nothing personal, it’s purely business.” (It makes you wonder what Sanchez would have done if it had been personal!!!)

TRIES TO KILL 007
with a machete

MEETS HIS MAKER
when 007 sets his petrol-soaked clothes on fire with the cigarette lighter given to him by Felix & Della Leiter on their wedding day (there’s poetic justice for you!)

MENACE RATING
10 out of 10

FILM
GoldenEye (1995)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Crime syndicate boss and computer embezzler

EMPLOYER
Self (late 006 of the British Secret Service)

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
Right side of face badly scarred

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to Bond) “Oh please James spare me the Freud. I might as well ask if all the vodka martinis ever silenced the screams of all the men you’ve killed. Or if you find forgiveness in the arms of all those willing women – for all the dead ones you failed to protect.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by kicking him off the gigantic Goldeneye satellite dish antenna.

MEETS HIS MAKER
when Bond releases his grip on Trevelyan’s leg and lets him fall to his death from the Goldeneye satellite dish antenna.

MENACE RATING
1 out of 10

FILM
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

JOB DESCRIPTION
Media Mogul

EMPLOYER
Self

PHYSICAL PECULIARITY
None

MOST MEMORABLE DIALOGUE
(to his henchman Stamper) “When you remove Mr Bond’s heart, there should just be enough time for him to watch it stop beating.”

TRIES TO KILL 007
by using an army of ‘over the hill’ henchmen

MEETS HIS MAKER
when, with the help of 007, he loses the argument with the rotating razor-sharp blades of his sea drill.

MENACE RATING
4 out of 10